(me and my dad on Father's Day, last year)
I apologize for writing the same post on both my blogs...but this is all my little broken heart can type for now) For the first time...I don't know how to start typing. I don't know if this is going to feel good to write again or if I'm going realize I am not ready to write again...
Last wednesday was the most tragic day of my life.
I got a call telling me that my dad had been in an accident and was no longer here on Earth.
I got the call just hours before he was supposed to pick me up at the airport.
To hear the words that he had been helping someone move and fell through a window, that cut an artery and that he wasn't here on Earth anymore- shattered my heart, my life, my thoughts, and the lights went out in my world...and they will never come back on without my dad.
(me and my dad on my 1st birthday)
This has been, as I know it is for anyone who's lost someone they love, the most painful things I've ever experienced. My dad was my hero, my Superman...no, correct that, my dad IS my HERO, he IS my Superman.My arms may not be able to reach him, but he is holding my heart.
I don't know when I will return to blogging- I don't know if it will feel good to write again or if I just can't yet. I don't know when I'll edit another video to put on Youtube.
The hurting in my heart is not describable using the word "pain".
At the top of this page is a picture of me and my dad on Father's Day last year...it feels hard to even think that Father's Day is here, and my father was taken from this Earth just days ago. To anyone else who has lost their father, or any loved one...my heart breaks for you. I wish I could just cry with you, because sometimes when your pain is so great- words don't help. One of my dear friends just called me and cried with me...crying unlike normal crying- this was aching howls from my heart.
Someone posted something on my facebook, something their grandma told them, and it has helped my heart, they said their Grama told them that "Sometimes God picks the flowers for heaven when they are at their most beautiful in bloom"...
My dad was the most encouraging, inspiring, and positive person. As I sat reading through all his texts and watching all his videos...he was encouraging me still. His words will live on in my heart. He lives on in my heart. I love him so much more than any limitations that our human vocabulary puts on emotions.
This Fathers Day...I may not have my dad here on Earth, but I can celebrate him from my little spot on Earth. I know, without a doubt, that my dad is in heaven. And just like he always made everything on Earth here, pretty for me....he is up in heaven making it pretty for me. And my life will never be the same without him. But I want to go forward in the rest of my life...living each day to the fullest, in honor of my dad.
My dad had texted me this:
"you never know how STRONG you are, until being strong is the ONLY choice you have."
My dad was strong. I am his baby....I can be strong too.
My dad is, was, and will always be my hero. I cannot say much more, because my eyes have cried more than they ever have, my heart hurts more than it ever has, and the feelings inside are ones I cannot even describe in words.
My Grandma always said:
PAIN IS INEVITABLE
MISERY IS OPTIONAL
This pain in life is inevitable. But my dad wouldn't want me to miserable.
I can hear my dad, in my mind, telling me that "You can do it! You're strong!"
Oh dad! I love you so dearly...
And as my precious friend told me, "sometimes God takes things from our Earthly grasp, so that we may fix our gaze unto heaven"....
I don't even know if this sounds good, makes sense, or anything...but I want to thank you all for your outpouring of love, kind thoughts, caring words....
that have truly felt like drops of love on my heart that has felt crushed beyond repair.
My dad is so happy in heaven...and I can't wait until I run into his arms again. Oh what a great day that will be. Until then, his words, love and encouragement will be the wind beneath my wings...
On this Father's day...
I am thankful that I have my Heavenly Father (God) and that I have my Father in Heaven (My Dad) ...they are home...and are waiting for me.
If this Father's Day...you are celebrating your daddy in heaven...may these songs comfort you like they did to me today, I heard this song today, as I drove home with a car full of my dad's things...
I saw in my dad's emails today....that he read my blogpost the day he went to Heaven. I saw that he read my posts every day...
And I know my dad would say: "You keep inspiring everyone around you!"
At this time I don't care about the latest beauty product, hair gadget, or fashion trend...all of that seems so unimportant and so meaningless. I don't know when I'll feel back to writing again or making my videos- it may be sooner because my dad was so proud of how I could encourage others, but after I write this, I feel like I can't say when because my heart still hurts.
I will celebrate today, this little Earthly celebration of our fathers...because I know my dad is smiling and knows how much I love him up there in Heaven...
And this is now one of my favorite videos of all time on Youtube...because it has my dad in it:
My dad always said, "Make today better than yesterday!"...
(if I ever got a tattoo, that's what I'd get tattooed on myself!)
and today dad, I will, I will make today, better than yesterday because I love you to Heaven and back....
you were the best dad in the world and now in Heaven....
there is no other daughter that loves her father more than I love you, your Kan Kan
"all I know is I'm not home yet, this is not where I belong, take this world and give me Jesus, this is not where I belong"